New start

So, for those of you (and that would include all but a select few) who don't know, I've recently moved to Boston and am trying to make a new start with some close friends of mine. I wish there was a way to make sense of this all, a way to say that choices I have made have been reasonable and I will be blessed for taking the 'narrow path.' The reality is that 'I don't know.'

Trying to explain myself, to explain why I have an anxiety disorder, why I'm a Christian, broke, unemployed, taking time off from school, single, anxious, incapable of dating, depressed, etc., etc., etc., would be an exercise in futility. I look around at many of my friends and relatives, the way they seem to be 'blessed' and without concern, and I wonder what the heck I've done wrong. I don't pretend to have an answer.

So often I want an answer. Why is it that so many, with either nominal and no whatsoever consideration for God's desire for the world, find life so easy to navigate? And why can't I seem to forge a path through all this confusion? Am I not smart enough, wise enough, blessed enough, holy enough. tough enough, hungry enough? I'm beyond halfway through a master's degree in theology, but I can't even pretend to have an answer to the questions.

Without belaboring the point, I only wish that the pain would go away, that I could find my way back to being 'me,' as absurd as that sounds. My God, seriously, help me to live as you want me to live. I love you, and thank you, and only want to do what you desire....